Reviewed
by Lamar Kukuk
9/1/08
“Twenty years
ago, I was drummed out of the medical community for trying to put artificial
intelligence in babies.”-Dr. Darquandier (Lambert Wilson), Babylon
A.D. (2008)
“WTF???”-Lamar
Kukuk, later that same year
I have
just completed roughly 45 minutes of online research trying to identify
names, characters, actors and incidents in hopes of writing a halfway lucid
plot synopsis of a movie I saw just last night, but I have been stonewalled
at every turn. The movie's official site contains a “Synopsis” less
than one paragraph long that identifies no character by name and lists
the “Cast and Crew” section as “Coming Soon”. I've skimmed a few
reviews (and I HATE reading other people's reviews before writing my own)
in hopes that they knew who some of these people were and what they were
doing. No dice. Even the VinXperienceII.com fan site and its'
accompanying MySpace blog couldn't help me out. So I am left here
to tell you that Babylon A.D., Pitch Black star Vin Diesel's
return to the kind of dystopian futuristic sci-fi that made him a star
is a mess' mess, 87 minutes of mildly entertaining Sci-Fi Channel-style
junk that careens from one setpiece to another all the while hinting at
a grand, thought-provoking plot 20th Century Fox was not entirely successful
at editing out. Director Mathieu Kassovitz has been shouting from
rooftops trying to persuade ticket buyers to avoid the skeletal remains
of the movie he tried to shoot, and I have no intention of arguing with
him.
Now,
for that plot synopsis... It's The Future, and things are not going well.
Toorop (Vin Diesel) is some kind of mercenary hardass, so tough he can
successfully threaten a man with the same gun he's demanding a refund for
because it doesn't work. Other mercenaries break into his apartment
and drag him to Gorsky (Gerard Deardieu, who should be ashamed but no doubt
isn't), a Russian crime boss who needs him to transport two nuns from their
secluded convent to New York City. They are stern Sister Rebeka (Michelle
Yeoh) and her charge, Aurora (Melanie Thierry). The purpose of their
trip is unclear, seemingly even to them, but Rebeka warns Toorop that he
is not to let Aurora see, hear or feel anything of the outside world.
Their trek takes them through ports and across ice and onto a submarine
with plenty of time for side trips so Toorop can fight in a cage match
and re-enact snowmobile chase scenes from XXX. Meanwhile,
Aurora seems to see the future and know things she can't possibly know,
like how to pilot a Russian submarine. Finally, all paths converge
in New York, where Aurora makes a shocking announcement that ties into
those commercials we keep seeing where the mysterious High Priestess (Charlotte
Rampling) tells us that “Tomorrow begins our new age”. Of course,
earlier, she told Toorop that when they reach New York, all three of them
will die. And she's right.
But
even that is only just the beginning, because to that point, Babylon
A.D. isn't really all that much sillier or more nonsensical than most
of the crap a fan of B-movie sci-fi endures on a regular basis. Sure,
we learn nothing about who Rebeka or Aurora are and why they think they're
going to New York (they can't possibly know the real reason, or why would
they agree to make the trip?), but I can chalk that up to the movie playing
its' mysteries close to its' vest. Yeah, the way the action bounces
like a pinball from one improbable setpiece to another (the cage fight
might sound silly, but you have no idea how much unless you actually see
it. That big, bloody mute lug's just trying to protect Aurora, I
tell you!) isn't ideal, but this IS an action movie. But once the
movie snakes back around to its' opening flash-forward, what little grip
on sanity it had blows up so fast, I think I might still have some of the
chunks in my hair.
****SPOILER
ALERT: HOW COULD I NOT TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE'S FINAL, CRAZY MINUTES???****
It's at that moment that we meet Dr. Darquandier (Lambert Wilson),
who specializes in raising the dead, putting artificial intelligence in
babies, and fathering children with supercomputers. Wilson, best
known as the Merovingian in the Matrix sequels, performs some kind
of miracle by actually being quite good in a role where his every line
is clinically insane. But give him this: in a movie where nobody
even asks the questions let alone gets the answers, he does nothing BUT
divulge secrets. It's just that we've got so little grounding in
what's going on, and everything he has to say is so bonkers, that he's
actually no help.****END OF SPOILERS**** Among the many things
I don't know is the name of the evil religious organization with whom Rebeka
and Aurora were affiliated, but nonetheless feels the need to create a
byzantine scheme to essentially use the Russian mob to abduct its' own
nuns just to speak to them. Nonites? Nolights? Nanites?
My 45 minutes of searching turned up nothing, and no two characters say
it the same way.
I've
seen enough movies that I can take a pretty good guess at what Babylon
A.D.'s story is supposed to be about, but I should get a screenplay
credit just for the amount of work the sliced and diced finished product
requires to get that far. Even if it made a lick of sense, the movie's
got some pretty serious issues, starting with its' less-than-successful
invocation of a Children of Men-style
dystopian future. I never before realized how important extras are
to pulling this sort of thing off, but Babylon's extras are awful.
An angry mob chases Toorop's car, only to lose interest. A group
of refugees push and shove around the door to a train, but when our heroes
push past them and enter, no one tries to take advantage of the opening.
We learn that a group of Darquandier-sent goons are “ready to die” for
Aurora, but when she says she doesn't want them to, they shuffle off without
explanation. The action sequences are at best hard to follow, but
they do have the advantage of variety. In fact, the movie seems to
have four or five different visual styles during its' running time.
Best of them is the pricey visit to NYC, which has been logically projected
out from its' current multi-media form into a megalopolis of sights and
sounds that contrasts nicely with the low-rent unexplained apocalypse of
the Russian opening.
I'm
sure the actors are as disappointed as any of us to see Babylon A.D.'s
final form, but it's nobody's finest hour. Diesel's a quality B-movie
action hero, and none of the issues with BAD (snicker) are on his
shoulders. Similarly, Yeoh gives her role its' usual gravity and
dignity, but there's just no “there” there. Thierry struggles
with a terrible, terrible role that weaves from saint to schizophrenic
to seductress. Her aborted “love scene” with Toorop is a hoot and
a half, and a breakdown she suffers on the sub manages to be both overacted
and overreacted to by the rest of the cast. I could have sworn she'd
grown a second head when I wasn't looking. Rampling has nothing much
to do but give a horrible, pitiful speech that tries to paper over the
holes in the Nowhatevers' motivation. Depardieu? Did
I mention shame?
Babylon
A.D. doesn't hurt: thanks to the machete with which it was edited,
it sure does move fast. But it's one of those movies whose existence
defies explanation. If the studio cared so little about telling this
story, why did they pony up a reported 60 million dollars to film it?
And how could they possibly think that a version shorn of all sense would
entertain audiences more than a longer cut that at least told you what
you'd just suffered through? Beats me. Ask the Nobites. |
