Reviewed by Lamar Kukuk
1/4/07
I love cheesy dragon movies,
particularly the ones the Sci-Fi Channel runs on Saturday nights, like
Dragon
Storm, Dragon Dynasty and Dragon Sword (aka
George
& the Dragon). I even kinda liked Joel Silver's goofily awful
theatrical take on Dungeons & Dragons, if for no other reason
than to hear Jeremy Irons bellow perhaps the greatest bad line of all time,
“I'll have to craft a new destiny for you, a destiny of pain!” So,
it is with great disappointment that I must announce that the latest big-screen
dragon epic, Eragon, is a misbegotten mess, albeit one with some
eye-popping special effects.
All together now... “It is
a time of darkness.” The evil King Galbatorix (John Malkovich, so
overcranked he seems ready to attack any extra who might wander into the
frame) rules his medieval kingdom with an iron hand, his soldiers forceably
recruiting every able-bodied man for his (off-screen) wars. Young
Eragon (Edward Speleers), whose brother fled the country to dodge old man
Galabatorix's draft, goes hunting one night and stumbles upon a remarkable
stone. It is in fact a dragon's egg, which hatches the adorable Saphira
(voice of Rachel Weisz). Because of all manner of peculiar dragon
biology, she's full-grown in no time, and Eragon is seeking the advice
of the only local dragon expert, Brom (Jeremy Irons, apparently fulfilling
his own destiny of pain). Brom, it seems, used to be a Dragon Rider,
a special calling to which Eragon himself seems to have also been born.
Galabatorix, also a former Dragon Rider (a fact that seems to exist only
for the benefit of future sequels), killed off all the dragons to solidify
his rule, but now that a new dragon and Rider have emerged, it's time to
have us one of those Lord of the Rings medieval wars! Eragon and
Brom set out to hook up with the requisite Princess (Sienna Guillory) and
Warrior King (Djimon Hounsou as the unfortunately named Ajihad) before
facing off with Dark Magician Durza (Robert Carlyle) and his awesome Black
Magic Dragon, a fearsome creation of smoke and teeth that doesn't get nearly
enough screen time.
Of course, very little in
Eragon
gets much screen time at all as the 100 minute movie races from one character
and race of creatures to another trying to stuff as much of the novel (unread
by me) upon which it's based onto the screen as possible. Furthermore,
I can only assume that debuting director Stefan Fangmeier was trying to
get as much bang as possible out of his special effects budget, but just
about every sequence involving the various dragons is filled with shots
so truncated and abrupt, he makes Michael Bay look like Orsen Welles.
What we see of them IS impressive, particularly the Black Magic Dragon
and the baby version of Saphira. The FX are the best thing on display
here.
As I've mentioned, I've never
read Christopher Paolini's novel, so I can't say how much blame he's due
for the film's often silly, often pointless plot, but I must point a finger
squarely at him for the worst round of medieval fantasy names in quite
some time. I mean, come on, "King Galbatorix"??? Irons deserves
his second Oscar for being able to rattle off his name, place, and species-heavy
dialog with a straight face. I know I couldn't keep one while listening
to it. Of course, there are a lot of things about Eragon that are
a lot funnier than they're meant to be. Although I doubt I'll ever
see the regal Djimon Hounsou looking embarrassed on-screen, his Ajihad
costume pushes him to the brink. If a man can be nominated for an
Oscar (as he should be for Blood Diamond) in a year when he wore
that hat, then anything is possible... On the plus side, Carlyle
has a ball playing the evil wizard, and emerges from the whole mess unscathed.
Weisz lends her usual charm to her vocal role, and the notion of a female
dragon is entertainingly novel.
While the veterans do what
they can to maintain their dignity, the newcomers simply lie there in that
way so many would-be sword and sorcery heroes have before them. Speleers
makes little impression in the underwritten Dragon Rider, while Guillory
struggles to ground a character whose identity and presence are never adequately
explained.
Going from the majesty of
the Lord of the Rings trilogy to the adequacy of The Chronicles
of Narnia to the ineptitude of Eragon, it may be time to remove
that “Insert Epic Trilogy Here” sign on the December release schedule.
Although, since His Dark Materials opener The Golden Compass
and the Narnia sequel Prince Caspian on the way, we should
get used to setting a plate for an Evil King at Christmas Dinner for the
forseeable future. And I would not advise getting between King Galbatorix
and his Cranberry sauce! |
