Reviewed
by Lamar Kukuk
1/12/08
My
favorite episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 tended to be one
of two types. There were the films so insipid and formless that they
barely qualify as movies (Manos: The Hands of Fate, the entire
Coleman Francis oeuvre) and those that, in addition to being totally awful,
have actual three-act plots and casts that are familiar with the concept
of acting (Time Chasers, Riding With Death). In
the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, the latest cinematic
misadventure from German-born “Master of Error” Uwe Boll, would have made
a great Mystery Science Theater 3000 (if those words mean nothing
to you, I'd advise you to stop reading right now). While it borrows
its' plot entirely from other sword and sorcery fantasy epics, that at
least ensures that it has one. Its' diverse cast of actors both in
their element (John Rhys-Davies as a wizard) and wildly out of it (Ray
Liotta as a wizard) are mostly director-proof pros. And the finished
product is both fast-moving enough to hold a bad movie fan's interest and
God-awful enough to keep the laughs coming. As Tom Servo would say,
it's exactly like Lord of the Rings, except that it's no good.
In
an Unnamed Fantasy Kingdom, a Farmer named, uh, Farmer (Jason Statham)
lives a peaceful life on his, uh, farm along with his wife Solana (Claire
Forlani) and son Zeph (Colin Ford). But tragedy strikes when his
family is attacked by the warlike Krugs (the Uruk-Hai road company) who
kill Zeph and take Solana to work in their mines. Farmer teams up
with her brother Bastian (Will Sanderson) and old pal Norick (Ron Perlman)
to track her down, but along the way becomes mixed up with a tangled web
of Palace intrigue. It breaks down like this: King Konreid
(Burt Reynolds) is served by loyal Mage Merick (John Rhys-Davies).
Merick's daughter Muriella (Leelee Sobieski) has a thing going on the side
with deposed Mage Gallian (Ray Liotta), who's in cahoots with Konreid's
femmy nephew Duke Fallow (Matthew Lillard) to raise the army of Krugs and
conquer the kingdom. What's simple farmer Farmer to do? Realize
his Destiny and go kick himself some Mage ass, that's what! Add epic
battle scenes (on a budget, of course) and shake well.
The
trouble starts before In the Name of the King even begins, when
we see the attached trailer for Boll's next film, Postal, which
looks like a YouTube video about Islamic Fundamentalists, played for laughs.
Then we watch Farmer's roughly 10-year-old son ask his Mother “Why does
everyone call Father Farmer? Doesn't he have any other name?' as
though this is the first time this has ever occurred to the tot.
Her answer (some babble about him believing people should be called what
they do) will clearly stand as the worst movie dialog of the year in eleven
and a half months and is the poorest excuse ever to justify a video game
character's name. I guess it could be worse: at least he's
not an astronaut. By this point we've already learned that cinematography
will be non-existent and that the actors are entirely on their own.
The first shot of Reynolds has him cupping his head in his hands as though
thinking “It's come to this...” Boll, whose other credits include
Bloodrayne
and Alone in the Dark for those unfamiliar with the cult of mockery
that's sprung up around him, still struggles with directorial fundamentals,
and he's working with an appalling script that can't even keep straight
whether the society it depicts is monotheistic or polytheistic (the same
characters reference “God” and “The Gods” interchangeably). But he
remains proud of his efforts, and the first on-screen words after the film
ends are “A Film By Uwe Boll”, followed by “Directed by Uwe Boll” and a
couple other mentions throughout the credits that call him “Dr. Uwe Boll”
(the doctorate's in Literature, I checked).
But
I'll give credit where credit is due: In the Name of the King
may be terribly directed for a movie with the kind of cast and effects
budget at play here, but it is, in its' own perverse way, fun to watch.
The credit goes mostly to that cast. Statham is not only director-proof
as an action hero, he's also able to deliver just about any nonsense with
his trademark grim conviction and knows his way around an action sequence
better than anybody filming him. Perlman (who gave one of his best
performances in a castaways vs. genetically engineered killer monkeys movie
called Primal Force) and Rhys-Davies (who's spent as much of his
career in things like Chupacabra: Dark Seas as Lord of
the Rings and Indiana Jones sequels) are actually very good
in their stock roles and seem completely unaware they're in a piece of
crap. Forlani's got more spunk than the average action movie love
interest, so she's always welcome in a flick that needs as much energy
as it can get, while Sobieski and Kristanna Loken (as some sort of vine
swinging jungle woman) look great in their costumes and try their best.
But the movie's best performances may actually be its' worst: Liotta
and Lillard have no business in this kind of sword-and-sorcery epic, but
both attack their roles with such scenery-chewing mania that it's impossible
not to be delighted. Lillard's frumpy cowardice is backed by every
eye-roll and muscle spasm he can summon: it's like he's got the pedal
down to actually WIN the Razzie this year rather than just get nominated.
And Liotta is all in, I mean ALL IN in one of those roles that allows an
actor to go as far over the top as he can reach. He cackles, he screams,
he OWNS lines like “In my kingdom we will have no word for madness, we
will simply call it 'Power'”. And a funny thing happens when it's
time for climactic showdowns with first Rhys-Davies and then Statham himself:
those scenes are actually GOOD! The Liotta/Statham sword-and-magic
battle, something so improbable a person feels tempted to be drug tested
just because they think they're watching it, is genuinely exciting and
packed with imaginative special effects. The hot/cool contrast of
the actors also works so well I wished this wasn't their only scene together.
Meanwhile, a game assortment of TV guest stars and Boll regular Sanderson
are staging the best climactic rumbles with the Krugs the budget will endure
(while, granted, the sun is shining at Liotta's castle and it's the middle
of the night on the battlefield).
In
the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is not a good movie.
But it's fun to watch if you get a certain sadistic/masochistic pleasure
out of playing the home version of MST3K: the movie works
better if you're watching it with others and you can all take your potshots
at the production values and the varied resumes of the wildly eclectic
cast (try to keep your voice down in the unlikely event that there's anyone
else in the theater). But if you demand actual quality, you might
want to take note that Uwe Boll plays himself in Postal and therein
claims to finance his movies with Nazi Gold. It's the best theory
I've heard yet regarding his continued employment. |
