Reviewed by Lamar Kukuk
9/6/10
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aside, the current 3D box office boom is being driven almost exclusively
by kid's movies, making it easy to forget that the last two times moviegoers
gave the third dimension a try, it was almost exclusively for various kinds
of exploitation films and B-movies. Alexandre Aja hasn't forgotten,
and he gleefully throws Piranha 3D into your lap proudly wearing
the colors of both niches. Not only does his film tell the tale of
spring breakers attacked by hungry prehistoric fish, it does so with all
the blood, gore, nudity and sex an R rating could possibly be expected
to allow. While not all one might hope for visually (once again,
a studio looks to collect 3D profits without using the full range of 3D
technology), Piranha does have a good sense of what an audience
wants to see thrust at them, along with the high spirits necessary to make
a film with more carnage than a Civil War battle fun. A game, eclectic
and surprisingly high-rent cast keeps the human element somewhere in the
frame, as Piranha 3D delivers solid 3D B-movie exploitation, just
like your grandparents might have seen in the early 50s. Just a hundred
thousand times moreso.
Matt Boyd (Richard Dreyfuss)
is out fishing one afternoon on Lake Victoria when an underwater tremor
opens a whirlpool that threatens to suck his boat beneath the surface.
He falls overboard, and is immediately devoured by a school of large, hungry
piranhas released from an underwater cavern. It's already the worst
season for Sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue): spring breakers
descend en masse on the Lake with no regard for the law, and she relies
on her son Jake (Steven R. McQueen) to watch his younger siblings Laura
(Brooklynn Proulx) and Zane (Sage Ryan) while she's laying down the law.
But Jake gets a far, far better offer from Wild Wild Girls mogul Derrick
Jones (Jerry O'Connell), who hires him to be his location scout for a photo
shoot involving wild, wild girls Danni (Kelly Brook) and Crystal (Riley
Steele). He persuades the kids to watch themselves (surely, nothing
can go wrong there) and his day gets both better and worse when Derrick
invites Girl of His Dreams Kelly (Jessica Szohr) to come along for the
ride. Julie and Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) find Matt's mutilated
body at the same time they're instructed to help geologists led by Novak
(Adam Scott) investigate the quake. Turns out both problems lead
to the same solution: the quake released prehistoric piranhas local
expert Mr. Goodman (Christopher Lloyd) assures them are an imminent threat
to everyone on the water. Which includes the entire Wild Wild boat,
bad listeners Laura and Zane, and a couple thousand partying teens.
However much we might like
an individual teenagers we know, nobody particularly cares for them as
a generic group, not even teens themselves. And that's why they've
been effective cannon fodder for movie monsters since the original 3D craze.
But I dare say no movie has ever hit disrespectful, attractive, hard-partying
young people as hard as Piranha 3D. The fish themselves are
delightfully nasty critters, perhaps the most cheerfully vicious, unrealistic
movie animals since the snarling hand puppets that menaced Lou Diamond
Phillips in Bats. And they're complicit in Aja's agenda because,
unlike real piranhas, they've never heard of the word “skeletonize”.
Instead, they take however many bites out of their victim it takes to kill
them and leave the corpse really EC Horror gross, and then move on to the
next entree. They're also known to swim reeeeeeaaaaaaallllllllly
slow if that's what it takes for one of our heroes to escape their clutches.
But once they get down to business, there's pretty much no part of the
human anatomy that doesn't get chowed down upon.
This is particularly true
during the movie's centerpiece, and epic naval battle between the Sheriff,
Novak and their friends and the fish, while the dozens upon dozens of tasty
kids around them do the stupidest things humanly possible to get themselves
either entirely eaten or merely tasted. It's appropriate that the
movie thanks the Amputee Surfers Society in the end credits, because it's
going to have a lot of new members once all those fools get out of the
hospital! But the smart people in the cast do literally everything
possible to make it a fight, taking out piranhas one at a time with shotguns,
outboard motors and tasers (they blow up real good!) while Novak races
around on a jet ski ferrying everyone he can get his hands on to safety.
There's more action to come back at Derrick's sinking boat, but it's here
that Piranha 3D reaches its pinnacle of flesh-ripping 3D awesomeness.
About that 3D: yes,
this is another conversion job, albeit one designed with that in mind from
the get-go. It's been hugely frustrating for those of us excited
by early live-action 3D spectacles like Avatar
and The Final Destination to see
one 3D release after another that's taken shortcuts around shooting with
the actual cameras that generate the effect. While Aja composed all
of his shots with 3D in mind, meaning no weird focus issues like those
afflicting afterthought 3D conversions like Clash
of the Titans, everything the format could have done for a movie tailor-made
for its visual goosing is lost. The only thing 3D does well that's
missing here is heights; Piranha provides loads of water, schools
of fish and multitudes of partiers who'd have really popped as individuals
making up a collective mass, and loads of attractive, sun-lit young actors
whose skin really glows when filmed properly (only The
Final Destination has gotten this right so far, but for a T&A fest
like this, missed opportunity!). Instead of all that, we get only
the old-school “comin' at ya!” effects, and they are indeed impressive.
I was partial to Fallon's shoving an outboard motor in our face before
plunging it into the water, then shot from overhead as one piranha piece
after another comes flying up to greet us. I was less thrilled, although
it's an undeniably impressive effect, when one of the actresses pukes directly
into the camera. You'll also hear a lot about a nude underwater swim
by Danni and Crystal, but I'm not sure the converted effects actually improve
upon the already impressive sight of the two actresses the way they would
have had actual 3D cameras captured the moment.
There are two kinds of movies
like this, and they either succeed or fail for me based on whether they
have a spring in their step or not. It's just no fun to watch realistic
people suffer realistic injury and death, so the cast and filmmakers need
to wink at you just enough to say they're in on the joke and it's really
all in fun. Aja and his Piranha 3D cast excel at this, and
not just because Lloyd is basically reprising his Back to the Future
role as Doc Brown. Shue does a great job caring about her town and
family, but never letting us see her sweat. Scott, a gifted comedian,
is a perfect choice to square his jaw, kick piranha ass, and still deliver
the movie's glorious closing line with the right “and down safe!” campiness.
Over on the Wild Wild boat,
the movie even finds a moment or two for actual characterization.
McQueen and Szohr make solid, relatable teens of the kind we'd rather not
be eaten. O'Connell plays Derrick as just the campy, sleazy poseur
the role requires, and I'm sure it's no spoiler to tell you that when he
goes down, he goes down hard (his last line is priceless). Porn star
Steele is just here to look pretty (and she does), but Brook, who's absolutely
stunning, actually gets some meat to her role as well. Danni is an
unapologetic Wild Wild Girl, but she's not stupid, and has made a science
of being hot, one she applies to trying to put Jake and Kelly together
in the sleaziest way possible. While little is overtly made of it,
the difference between the way a guy thinks of an adult model and someone
he actually cares about is a significant theme of this boat trip.
The dance of temptation and ethical line-drawing between the WWG team and
the kids they bring along for the ride makes these scenes far more interesting
than the usual “bikini girls go out for a photo shoot and wait to be eaten”
monster movie subplot.
Not that Piranha 3D
would mind if you took it as nothing more than a gross, sleazy good time,
which it certain is. But it's also one you can at least kinda respect
yourself the morning after seeing. Better 3D would have been, of
course, better, and the setup probably goes on a good 15-20 minutes longer
than it should. But if you came to watch co-eds party hard and then
get eaten by mutant fish, you've come to the right place. |
